The realities of a home yoga practice.
6am Wakes up. Thinks about getting up and doing practice. Doesn’t.
7pm. Thinks about doing practice.
Picks up iPad and spends next hour reading about other people’s practice.
8pm. Shuffles upstairs (finally) to avoid people’s “amusing” commentaries or sarcastic comments about the practice.
Enters spare room.
Spends 20minutes trying to clear floor space from all the “tidied up” stuff dumped on floor in panic tidying for Christmas visitors.
8.20pm OK. Here we go. Surya Namaskara A. Inhale raise arms
Exhale fold forwards
<From the distance, voice of youngest child> “Muuuumm”
Ignore it. As long as there’s no blood they’ll be fine.
Inhale look up
<Distant voice getting louder now> “MUUUUUMMMM!”
Exhale step back, lower down.
<Distant voice reaching sonic boom levels> MUUUUUUMMMM!”
Me <slightly louder now> “WHAT?”
Stands up, opens bedroom door in passive aggressively forceful way that nobody but me will be aware of, “WHAAATTTT??????”
<Distant voice> “This stupid shower attachment isn’t working properly, can you come up and rinse my hair for me?”
Me: “For, goodness sake, just stick your head in the bath”
Goes back into bedroom. Refrains from slamming the door.
Where was I? Ekam inhale….
Gets to third surya namaskara A
<(Different) distant voice> “Did someone say the shower head wasn’t working?”
Me <sighs> ” Yes, the pump has switched itself off.”
<Distant voice> “What?”
Me “The pump has switched itself off”
<Distant voice> “What?”
Me: <sighs><passively aggressively opens bedroom door again><has discussion about where pump switch is located>.
Returns to bedroom. Gets as far as Surya Namaskara B
<Distant voice of oldest child> “Muuummm”
Me: ignore, ignore
<Not so distant voice of oldest child> “Muuumm!”
Door opens. Oldest child, being what he considers considerate, kneels next to my downward dog.
“Mum, can I buy a game?”
Me: “What game?”
Oldest child “Elder scrolls”
Me <suspiciously> “Does it involve zombies?>
Eldest child <injured innocence> “No, why?”
Me: “Does it involve elves?”
Eldest child “Yes, maybe, I think so” <Suspiciously >”Why?”
Me <happier because on my scale of online mythological beasties for some reason I would rather he was an elf than a zombie> ” Ok, but you’ll have to give me the money for it”.
Oldest child disappears, happily, to download the game.
Me. Where the hell was I? Oh yes, Surya Namaskara B.
Gets to third B. Door opens. Oldest child comes in and tucks a £20 note into my hand and looks at me expectantly.
Oldest child “The game is £15, I need £5 change”
Me <exasperated tone of voice might be creeping in at this point> “well. I’m. Not. Getting. It. For. You. Right.Now.”
Oldest child adopts injured, hard-done-by air and leaves room.
Okay. Let’s give up on the asanas, and move on to meditation, god knows I need it.
Sits on meditation stool and picks up Mala beads
Takes a breath. Relax the jaw, keep the tongue soft.
Takes another breath.
Bedroom door opens.
Youngest child appears with an armful of stuff “Spa time!”
Me <jaw for some reason tensing, vein throbbing in cheek> “What?”
Youngest child, “lets have a spa, I got all this stuff for Christmas…”
Me: <talking through gritted teeth so clearly I obviously missed my vocation as a ventriloquist > ” I’m meditating right now”
Youngest child “You can meditate while I do your nails”.